If there was ever an Introductory Course 101 on romance I missed it. So, here I am after many years of courtship and marriage with a few tips for my brethren, most of which have been learned by trial and error. Yes, many errors along the way.
I tried the usual things, like flowers and such. Didn’t work for me. Allergies. I’ve tried expensive gifts – a string of real pearls to be exact. Put them on a credit card. Something about “What was I thinking when the kids needed shoes?” Two unforced errors right there (to use a base ball term). Chocolate is out. It’s the calorie thing.
I really messed up during a special vacation at Hilton Head. Twenty-fifth anniversary, very romantic. By that time, we had sworn off credit cards, but the rental car company took most of my spendable cash for deposit. A little stressed to say the least. Actually, so stressed that I said something very hurtful, and to this day I do not know where it came from. Found myself in a restaurant sitting at the table alone with lots of stares from the other diners. A very bad movie scene that I was starring in. Just for the record, well timed apologies are critical in romancing your wife, as I learned that night. But enough about the old me.
What I have learned since then, with the help of scores of marriage enrichment weekends, classes, reading, and just dumb luck, has been to really understand my wife’s needs. What helped the most was to ask her. Go figure. I found that simply asking was one of the biggies. Here are some of the things I’ve learned since then:
- I found out that she wants to feel secure and safe in our relationship. She needs to know that I have her back. No negative talk about her to buddies or people at work.
- My wife needs to be cherished and cared for. I try to meet her emotional and physical needs. The car is filled with gas, and when I am home, I cook (because she had a job outside the house).
- I try hard to listen and engage her in conversation. She is a “word” person (See Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Just the table of contents can teach you a lot.)
- Love her children well. They are very precious to her. We have three wonderful kids, and every one is different. They all respond differently to gestures of love, so there is still lots to learn here.
- Stop trying to fix things when all she wants is for me to listen. If I am puzzled (and we men are often puzzled), I ask her. She will tell me. That may sound like cheating, but it is a great short cut to peace and tranquility at home.
- Be bold and share your faith with her. I am learning how to love her as Christ loved the church. I worship with her, and the most radical of all, pray with her. I encourage her to become the woman God made her to be, and do what I can to help that happen.
- I accept her without condition, especially when she is at her lowest. And I humble myself – truly humble myself – when the need comes (and it will – it’s attached to the Y chromosome.) I want my wife to know my heart. When I stumble, she will know my true intentions.
- Lastly, I have come to know when to step up and lead through difficult times. When the going gets tough, I want to be her warrior. She has loved me beyond measure for that.
None of these things take a lot of money, but they do take investment in time, energy and emotion. Anyone of us can do it. I have found a romance to last a lifetime and beyond. You can too. Now when my wife says, “You treat me so well,” I respond, “Why, that’s my calling.” It doesn’t get any more romantic than that. Oh, and that time at Hilton Head, long forgotten.
