Cultural Trends In Marriage That Give Me Pause For Prayer
If you believe life-long covenant marriage between a man and woman is the best way to raise children, grow men and women into the image of God, and create a flourishing culture, and all that means, then you should be concerned by what you see around you. The House of Marriage is burning down around us. This is a call to man the fire pumps! Here are a few of the things I have learned this last year in 2017.
• Marriage is being postponed, or, worse, abandoned altogether. The median age for marriage for both men and women is increasing into the late 20’s. Specifically for men it is about 30; for women, about age 26. Many suggest young men and women are just getting their careers started and hope to become more established before marriage. Another explanation has been labeled as “extended adolescence.” Adolescence is a 20th century term, first coined by G Stanley Hall in 1904. In earlier times, children became adults at puberty, or shortly thereafter. There was often a right-of-passage ceremony for both young men and women. They learned early on how to navigate in the adult world. Men and women in their teens would marry, start their life’s work, begin their families, and be immersed in adult activities by their early 20’s. Those same steps into adulthood are coming later in life, adaptation to significant cultural changes.
• Courtship today often includes an extended period of living together, living as husband and wife. Children are born to these casual unions, and the responsibility falls most heavily on the woman. In some ethnic communities, the majority of children are born to single mothers. The trend is increasing for all ethnic groups in America.
• Men and women slide into relationships without making a strategic decision about what they really seek for a partner. Men and women move in together for very logical reasons such as: “it’s an economic decision,” or “we’re so compatible,” or “it just makes sense,” when in fact they know very little about one another. They are drawn together by the excitement of the sexual aspect of their relationship, which becomes their primary focus, but without any formal long-term commitments or legal responsibilities.
• Easily acquired live-in relationships and even marriage, referred to as Starter Marriages by relationship experts at Huffington Post (tongue- in-cheek), are frequently seen as disposable arrangements. Starter marriages end after a short five to ten years or so. By definition, these relationships end before age 30. When we begin a relationship with the expectation that it will end at some point in the future, we limit our ability to commit totally, love deeply, and make room for growth and change, all elements of long term joy and satisfaction. See attachment theory and its application in marriage.
• Today’s culture is highly sexualized, especially for our young girls. Easy access to pornography, the slant of much of our advertising, and loss of many of our cultural controls on sexual behavior have created seismic shifts in our attitudes toward sexual and intimacy behavior (special note of recent allegations of the Weinstein brothers, and so many others related to virtually every segment of society). We have lost sight of the idea that the act of sex creates critical emotional and, yes, spiritual connections that are intended to draw men and women together in an emotional bond. In a covenant relationship, this is a powerful adhesive. In a culture of throw-away relationships, this can create anxiety and fear, resulting in an unwillingness or inability to commit emotionally to another person.
• There is a phenomenon called the greying of divorce. While overall rates of divorce are declining, individuals over fifty reporting divorce has increased 50% over the last two decades. Now, 1 in 4 individuals over 50 are divorced. More and more unvitalized, unfulfilling marriages are ending in divorce after the children age out of the home. I think the level of spirituality in the home has a lot to say about this. A more ominous aspect is that role models for life-long covenant marriages are disappearing. Millennials are looking for something more, something different from their parents, or what they observe in our culture. And the Church has something to show them about how to become vitalized and fulfilled in marriage. When one door is closed, God will open another.
• In a culture based on click and acquire, with second day delivery, building solid relationships that take time and effort together, is becoming less attractive. What we have to share is life together in a covenant marriage just gets better and better. The effort is worth it.
If you haven’t reached for the fire bucket, now would be a good time. The secular culture seems to be rapidly consuming us in smoke and flame.
And yet, we have eternal hope! It is the Church of Christ that offers a counter cultural way out of the flames, and into the light of freedom from fire and smoke, mud and mire, strobe lights and confusion. But the Church must have tools, and most importantly, the resolve to enter into the fray. Where else do you find a champion for covenant marriage? Where else will you find sources of recovery, forgiveness, acceptance and pathways to create a life with purpose and The Promise of The Gospel?
LifeQuest Couples Coaching is one way that local congregations can have an impact, even beyond their membership and local communities. Our work is just beginning, but becoming more important as the days go by. Please help us share the message of meaningful covenant marriage. Your financial support is critical, prayers are essential, and when you tell others what you are doing for LifeQuest Couples, you encourage us greatly!
