When international travelers arrive in a strange destination, they experience varying degrees of culture shock. In her book, Foreign to Familiar, Sarah A. Lanier explores several aspects of cultural differences ranging from perceptions of time to concepts of individualism vs group identity. In a way, spouses are tourists in each other’s worlds. They experience “culture shock” as they learn to accommodate their individual preferences in harmonious ways.
Brides and grooms raised in different cultures have an additional layer of differences to navigate. Their adjustment to married life requires intentionally learning about, then choosing to respect, the unique cultural differences in their families of origin in addition to their personality differences. Rod and I grew up in the same mid-sized Iowa town, and our parents were even members of the same church, so we experienced less culture shock than many couples we meet. Still, we fall on different ends of the spectrum on some of the issues below.
Take a minute to consider your personal comfort level on the continuum for each topic below, then ask your spouse to weigh in.
Task-Vs-People—Lanier notes that people from cold climates and larger cities tend to value efficiency and tasks over relationships and a friendly environment. That means they get right to the point. Folks from warmer climates and rural settings take time for personal conversations and tend to use more roundabout, indirect approaches to get their needs met. (Which end of the continuum fits you? Your spouse?)
Individualism-Vs-Group Identity—People from Cold Cultures, especially in large cities in the United States, tend to value privacy and independent thinking over group cohesion. What many in the United States would consider to be an enmeshed family system is the expected norm in Warm Cultures and rural locales. (Which end of the continuum fits you? Your spouse?)
Plans-Vs-Spontaneity—People in the United States tend to plan not only details of their week, but also details for the coming month and year. In contrast, people from Warm Cultures and rural areas prefer to be more spontaneous and may be resistant to making specific long-term plans. (Which end of the continuum fits you? Your spouse?)
As you discuss the topics above, remember neither end of the continuum is right or wrong. However, the root of many couple disagreements may be about underlying differences such as these rather than one specific situation. For example, is one of you already mapping out detailed plans for next summer’s vacation? And how do you feel about calendaring your Christmas Eve and Christmas Day schedule when it’s months away? Maybe you are reflecting the cultural norms of your family of origin as well as your individual personality.
In the words of Lanier, “We are all a bit ethnocentric, thinking our way is a bit superior to someone else’s. If we can get beyond that, we’ll find we can begin to learn, respect and enjoy the differences. Soon, what seems foreign will become familiar. And we’ll find we have much in common.” Or, as Paul writes to the Philippians “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Phil 2:3-5)
Why, that sounds like LifeQuest Couples Coaching thinking!
