It seems whenever I’m around others who are different from me, I tend to jump into comparison mode. Then, if I’m not careful, I judge others’ personality styles and motivators to be inferior. What a problem this has sometimes been in our marriage!
When our three children were little, I remember many evenings after they went to bed thinking: “Why does Rod hide out in his office every night right when I want to connect with him? Doesn’t he know how much I crave adult interaction after a long day trying to meet the needs of three kids? I just don’t get it. Doesn’t our relationship mean as much to him as it does to me? It sure doesn’t seem like it sometimes. It would be so much fun if I could just have a half hour sitting with Rod telling him all about what I learned this morning in Bible study or playing a game together.”
Those same evenings Rod tells me his thoughts went something like this: “Finally I get some time tonight to really explore some of these thoughts that have been percolating in my mind all day! I know Char would like me to come out and talk, but I’m so exhausted from my day at work I just need to refuel first by working on these projects. Then I’ll have more to give her. I just have to be alone part of the day. I’ll never understand her need to spend so much time together!”
It was only quite recently that we learned to move from judging one another to viewing each other from a more understanding, accepting perspective. Through individually exploring our personalities, spiritual gifts and motivators, then sharing them honestly with each other, we began to realize not only how very many differences we have, but also that God planned it this way!
Little did I know that all along Rod has been doing exactly what God made him to do—he gains energy from “digging deeper” through private research of everything from the world of possibilities for burglar alarms to analyzing historical events. So he needs time alone. Then he is ready to connect with me and even share some of his dreams, if I don’t squelch them with too much practicality! God also gave Rod the ability to dream big and think strategically. Now I help him find the alone time he needs to be his best self.
On the other hand, Rod has learned to acknowledge, accept, and respect the fact that God made me to be relational. I’m motivated by things like sharing encouraging words with others and connecting through playing games and chatting. God has given me the ability to organize events and schedule time. Now Rod tells me how much he appreciates my attention to detail and my reminding him of the importance of finding time together. Part of our compromise means that nearly every night before bed we find time to play Gin Rummy and talk—after Rod has his alone time!
Both you and your spouse are different because God made you that way. When we all accept that reality, our differences don’t scare us. Instead, they can be a springboard to propel us to diving deeper into intimate relationships based on curiosity and respect.
